32 Things We Really Should Apologize For
- Butt-dialing you five times yesterday.
- Touching the belly of a pregnant woman who was not pregnant.
- Playing that one good Lana Del Ray song over and over.
- Watching so many kitten videos onto YouTube.
- Starting the car when it was already started.
- Attending our neighbor’s We Killed Osama Bin Laden! barbecue just for the pie.
- Texting something mean about Liz and accidentally sending it to Liz.
- Blaming that toot noise on our chair.
- Recommending dinner at the combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
- That Holocaust joke.
- Saying your new baby looks like Wolf Blitzer.
- Sweating so much.
- Hitting the gas instead of the brake.
- Getting really into The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
- Stealing your Wi-Fi.
- Giving Liz’s number to that guy with the neck tattoo.
- Spoiling the ending of last night’s The Walking Dead.
- Making a joke about tramp stamps to that girl with a tramp stamp. (It means “purity” in Chinese.)
- That time we got on WebMD and diagnosed you with six different diseases.
- Telling your kid there’s no such thing as Santa.
- Permanently borrowing your stapler.
- That time we were supposed to feed your goldfish.
- Telling Liz, “It’s fine. No one can tell you’re not wearing a bra.”
- Taking a nap at your dinner party.
- Passing you in the hallway and doing that whole I’ll go left . . . no YOU go left thing.
- Asking you to call us so we could find our phones.
- That time we tried to be cool and said, “You only YOLO once!”
- Using so many emoticons. : /
- Standing too close in the supermarket and judging your groceries.
- All those Facebook statuses about our pets.
- When we said, “Please turn off your cell phones now,” and then our cell phone rang. Twice.
- Creating an eHarmony profile for Liz without telling her.